his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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