Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
