He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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