Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
