Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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