I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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