Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
