I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
