so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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