life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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