shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
