I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
