If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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