Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
