I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
