like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
