so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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