the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
