my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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