I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
