i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
