Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
