just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
