I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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