I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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