she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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