After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
