Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
