Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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