in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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