You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
