Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
