shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
