Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
3pm strippers are depressing
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
