What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
