There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
