I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize