he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
