I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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