Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
