why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Found the puke drawer
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
