tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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