i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
he's gonorrhea incarnate
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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