I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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