have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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