i jhust puked up my retainher.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
