Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
