We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
