Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
