Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize