So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
