There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
