I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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