some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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