that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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