I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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